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Understanding the SuperMom Trap
By Tonya Ramsey
What is it
in moms’ that makes us feel we have to take on the SuperMom identity?
What makes us put on that cape?
If you talk
to working mothers that you know, or even examine your own experiences,
falling into the SuperMom trap is common. We all know SuperMom…faster
than the microwave, more powerful than steel wool, able to fold laundry in
a single bound. SuperMoms’
scare away the monsters under the bed, creates wonderful family meals, as
she works, runs a business, or fosters a career either outside or inside
the home.
I have tired to be SuperMom, but the
cape kept getting caught under the wheels of my
office chair, it did not take long to realize that persona was not for
me. I was not going to fit into
the kind of mother or woman “they” thought I should be. Now, when I say “they”,
I am talking about, television, movies, the experts, the writers, parents,
relatives, friends, and the neighbor next door, there is this exaggerated set
of standards that has been generated that women hold themselves to, so they
put on the cape to try to live up to everyone’s expectations.
Being a
wife and mother are important jobs; we are the ones that not only carry sometimes
the majority of the home and childcare responsibilities, but also the
majority of the “emotional labor”. The hugs of reassurance, the kisses
that make the hurts better. We
are the ones that cry at night after the children go to bed in because our
little ones had to learn one of life’s lessons the hard way. We are the nurturers, we hold those
little hands throughout their lives, no matter how big they are, we always see
those tiny hands in our own. No
mother takes that responsibility lightly. It is our job to provide our
children with emotional sustenance, and so we put on the cape to give our
children everything we can, and everything we are.
We forget
that we are women…individuals; we struggle with the duality as our
work selves and mommy selves collide in conflict on again
and again. As guilt
starts to overwhelm us for wanting something for ourselves, we are tempted
to give in and leave a huge part of ourselves behind. We ignore our own needs because we
were taught that we give to others and keep nothing for ourselves. We are haunted by the images we saw
on TV, in the movies, maybe even the examples we saw in our lives of what a
mom is suppose to be. They all have
a hold on us, a whisper in our head that feeds on the very concept of
ourselves. We put the cape on
and assume the role of SuperMom to try to make peace with the inner
conflict.
Like, the
famous man of steel, we take on a cover identity, one that is not real,
because we sacrifice ourselves for mommy hood and for careers, we get lost
in conference calls and paperwork, school plays and soccer practices. We forget about ourselves as we stay
up into the early hours finishing work, or sewing that Halloween costume,
that was not done even though we were on the go non-stop all day. Therefore, we put on the cape, just
to maintain.
By understanding what makes us buy
into the illusion that the way to happiness is through being SuperMom. We can start to understand why we
neglect who we are and where we want our lives to go. Understanding will bring about a clarity, a hope, and a desire to reclaim ourselves,
our real selves and not just the mild manner identity that we created. It takes a desire to reconnect with
our inner selves, a willingness to abandon the out-dated expectations and the
commitment to stop trying to fit into a mold that does not fit.
You do not need
to be someone you are not.
Leave behind the thinking that life is an either or proposition. When we realize we can merge our
duality back into one, healthy identity, then and only then can we take off
the cape and let our true selves live and find the life we deserve.
Words of Wisdom
The ten tiny two-letter words
that can change your life:
If it is to be,
It is up to me.
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